Monday, 18 January 2010


I LOVE going to the cinema. So much so that I cried when writing a Facebook status the other day about having to cancel my Cineworld Unlimited card because of leaving London and there not being one close enough to where I live to warrant the monthly fee...

"Cineworld Unlimited card cancelled. […] It is a bit like breaking up with someone. We've been together 3 years, had good times, bad times, he's cheered me up, he's made me cry, he's kept me warm when it's cold outside, I've walked out on him but I've always come back for more. What will I do without him?"

Quite poetic isn’t it?

There is one thing I don't love about the cinema, aside from the smell of burnt popcorn, and that's the people who come to see a film and start talking as soon as it begins. Rude and a bit stupid. Why pay for something you can do for free somewhere less inconvenient for those who are up for keeping their gobs shut.

The guy whose sperm I requested was guilty of this behaviour to the point where, quite frankly, running the risk of having a child who shared the same antisocial habit was unthinkable. It was so bad that half way through Fame his phone rang. He stopped talking at me to answer it and started talking to whoever had called. This was a 32 year old man. I avoided seeing him again after that.

In December I went to see Paranormal Activity and there were a couple of kids playing music on their phones throughout. I would agree that music is good for calming the nerves but if you're scared of horror choose a different genre, children! My friend Chris was getting annoyed and I was crossing my fingers he wouldn't say anything. He'd already shouted at a man in the film we went to see beforehand, The Box, who decided to stand up before it had finished and just stand there blocking everyone's view. When we came out of Paranormal Activity, relieved he'd not made a scene, I told Chris about an incident that happened from telling people off in the cinema...

It happened last July in Leeds. A woman who was out with her family watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince told some unruly ruffians to be quiet. After the film the youngsters followed the family shouting abuse at them. One of the kids, a 16 year old boy, bought some Domestos, walked into the restaurant where the family were now dining and squirted it all over the woman. Some of it went in her eyes. This little toe rag only has to serve half of his 12 month sentence. The judge was lenient given the boy had to suffer an abusive father. Surely he should be taught that abusiveness will not be tolerated and get the full sentence rather than being let off so lightly. I wonder how the woman with bleach in her eyes, who's now too scared to go out alone with her kids, feels about that? I bet that boy wishes he'd been making noise throughout a cooler film when the drama kicked off. Oh well, serves him right.

People shouldn't have to feel scared about telling someone to shut up; they have every right to watch a film they've paid to see, and hear, in peace. If you want to talk go to a cafe, use a phone box or join a debating society. I'd love to see the look on the 'yoofs' faces when you suggest joining a debating society. Forget the bleach, I reckon that'd be a stabbing offence.

In loving memory of my Cineworld Unlimited card. November 2006 – January 2010

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