Thursday, 20 August 2009

50 Quid and All for a Bit of Free Cake...

The news about The London Paper has inspired me have a root around in my old Facebook notes.

In April 2008 I wrote my first 300 word article for The London Paper's reader column (here is my second offering) but they never published it. I told myself it's because they can't print the word blowjob. So I published it on Facebook instead and now I'm publishing it here as well. Ha! That'll teach them for rejecting my ramblings. And now onto the main event...

50 Quid and All for a Bit of Free Cake...
April 2008

Two years ago I signed up to an escort agency, somewhat naively it turns out. Having graduated from university and getting nowhere on the job front I thought it’d be the perfect solution and all I’d have to do is accompany men to weddings and that meant free cake. Brilliant. After paying the £50 joining fee I was contacted saying there’d been a lot of interest in my profile and I’d get £1000 for an evening. I was amazed.

‘And I don’t have to have sex with them?’

‘Of course you do,’ the man scoffed.

‘Oh, but on the website it said no sex.’

‘We have to say that because it’s illegal,’ he replied patronisingly.

He then attempted to persuade me to ‘touch’ men if I wasn’t going to have sex with them. I told him I wouldn’t even if I was offered a million pounds. I was left feeling a bit silly and £1,000,050 out of pocket.

I had a few calls after that from clients themselves to whom I explained the no sex deal. They liked to barter, suggesting that perhaps we’d like each other. I wanted to reply, ‘If you’re needing to pay for sex I’m thinking that’s unlikely.’

Things went quiet.

A couple of months ago I had a missed call from a number I didn’t recognise so I called it back. ‘Do you do massage?’ Um no. Then the other weekend I received a text referring to me by my escort name asking if I’d be free for a date anytime soon. Instead of ignoring it I replied explaining how I’d naively joined the site. The negotiations began on his part and I had to explain that I don’t do physical contact and am purely company to which he replied, ‘So would that rule out some kissing and touching?’ I text back, ‘That would entail physical contact.’ I then received this: ‘So would a blow job or hand job be out of the question?’ Hmm let me see…

This week I have had two other men get in contact and yet I only paid for a year’s membership. Perhaps the website feels guilty about the false advertising. Tonight I decided to log on and on my profile it said, ‘I am signed up on a no sex basis.’ It appears men willing to pay for sex are not willing to pay for an eye test.

Friday, 14 August 2009

Secret Squirrel

If there is one thing you should know about me it’s that I cannot sleep on an empty stomach. I was already aware of this information and yet last night I attempted to embark on slumber with a gurgling stomach. On the rare occasions that this has happened in the past I have waited it out fooling myself that sleep will battle it out and defeat hunger; four hours later I’d crumble and then go and eat some (haha).

So last night I gave in within 15 minutes of having been horizontal instead of wasting hours lying awake with only my chattering stomach for company. Like a secret squirrel operating under the cover of nightfall off I went foraging for nuts. I felt nuts would be less offensive to my toothbrush than BBQ Pringles or a clove of garlic so I stood in the kitchen in my pants and ate 45 grams of cashews. I wasn’t fully satisfied after my ‘feast’ but short of eating the Pringles and the garlic there’s not a lot I could do about it. At least my flatmates didn’t catch me with my boobs out popping nuts in my mouth.

And with a brush of her teeth and a sigh of relief the secret squirrel fell asleep.